We spend our lives trying to keep our hearts safe, only to realise that the walls we built to protect us are now keeping the love we crave on the other side.
I was sitting in a café the other day, watching the world pass by through the window. I had a morning coffee in my hands, and the foam was perfectly fluffy - so light. It hit me then that this is exactly what we are all searching for: that sense of lightness, peace and calm. Outside, people were rushing past: some smiling and cheerful, others looking serious or deeply worried. But the thought that entered my mind in that moment was this: the one thing that connects every single one of us is the need for love.
We all crave that fundamental sense of security, that feeling of belonging and the quiet assurance of being truly seen and heard. It is impossible to eliminate this need; it is simply part of who we are.
When a baby enters the world, they are an "organic self" - untouched, pure and ready to connect. As they interact with their caregivers, they begin to develop a sense of who they are, how their environment works and how they fit into the lives of others. Crucially, this is also when we develop our earliest "survival strategies." In households where emotional stability is inconsistent or absent, a baby learns to adapt to get their needs met. They might learn to scream and shout to ensure someone comes to them or they might learn to withdraw and shut down completely to avoid further pain.
Now, as an adult, you might find yourself repeating these same patterns. Depending on the environment you are in, you might find yourself becoming loud, aggressive or prone to "tantrums" when you feel invisible, just to ensure you are seen and loved. Or you might find yourself going quiet and small, closing yourself off in a corner and waiting for love to find you, hoping that if you are "good enough" or "quiet enough," the connection will finally arrive.
Can you recognise these dynamics in yourself? Do you see them playing out in your relationships?
Why is it so difficult to receive love?
Because love requires love. Hey, you might say that is a cliché and wave your hand, signalling to me to "just stop this nonsense." You would say, "I’m a nice person." And I agree; you are a nice person, and you absolutely deserve love. But here is the reality: criticism, shouting, stonewalling, manipulation, gaslighting or the "silent treatment" aren't signs of being a "bad" person. They are survival strategies. They helped you reach adulthood, and for that, you can give yourself credit. You survived. But those old strategies no longer help you attract, receive or give the kind of love you want.
What actually works?
Self-awareness. Developing new, healthy communication skills. Learning how to sit in silence - not to punish but to connect. Conflicts are a natural, inevitable part of life but they do not have to be violent, aggressive or hurtful. You do not have to feel like you’ve been “stabbed” multiple times in the back just because you disagreed with your partner or other people around you.
So, what is love?
I have asked myself this question many times. I see love as a commitment to hold space for both pain and joy, to accept the views and beliefs of others without neglecting my own. It is also an invitation to allow myself and others to grow into our "true selves," recognising that this process is never-ending.
It is worth noting that commitment is not a prison; it is a choice you make, day after day. It is an experience you run through together. If you choose not to commit, that is also an okay choice to make.
In romantic relationships, love gains another layer: intimacy and passion. These are what sustain a meaningful relationship and a deep connection. When they are missing, the relationship often enters a rough patch - disconnection, circular conflicts or days of silence. And eventually, you circle back to that original, deep-seated need: the need for love.
I am wondering, how do you see love? What comes up for you when you hear that word? Does it feel safe or does it feel like a risk?
Take the Next Step
If you want to explore these questions - to understand the survival strategies that are keeping you from the connection, you crave - reach out. I’m here to help you find your way. Let’s book a consultation and begin.
Warmly,
Gintare
DipCouns. PGCERT in Relationship Counselling, MBACP
01/07/2026