We all have a threshold called ‘the window of tolerance’.

The sun is setting, and another evening is approaching Rochester. The sunset is quite early these days; I’m sitting and wondering where those days have gone. Do you feel like time sometimes just slips through your fingers? And what about those evenings? Does it feel cosy and relaxing? Or lonely and exhausting?

I’m writing this piece with one question in mind: how do you decompress when the sun goes down? Life can take over at times. It can be rough: your work dramas, standstill traffic or packed trains, rushing to pick the kids up from after-school clubs, doing a quick grocery shop because your fridge is empty but your mind can’t even think of what you want to eat, dealing with a family argument over the phone because you’re the mediator for them. You come home so tired that your fingers are even struggling to hold the front door key.

You realise your dog is patiently waiting for an evening walk, wagging their tail as if to say, ‘Hurry up - I’ve been waiting for you all day.’ You snap at your partner because you can’t find the dog’s lead. The thing is, the dog’s lead was in the same place as usual, but your eyes just couldn’t see it. Your partner snaps back, and you feel an argument brewing. You close the front door and march to the local country park. Your dog is happy, while you start realising what you needed was a bit of space - space to breathe.

I’ve come up with this story to illustrate that there is a part of you that might feel dysregulated throughout the day. We all have a threshold called ‘the window of tolerance’. When you reach your threshold and step out of your window of tolerance, you might feel the need to express yourself through anger, panic, sensory overload or racing thoughts - or through withdrawal, shutdown and numbness because you have no capacity left to take life’s stuff on.

Probably, in those moments when you are out of your window of tolerance, your partner becomes your biggest enemy that you need to fight. You might doubt their love, your relationship stability and so on. Does it resonate with you? Frankly, when you reach your limits (being out of your window of tolerance), you can’t focus, engage in communication or rational thinking or create comfort for yourself. That’s what happens in those heated moments. It’s not because you’re a bad person or you don’t care, but because you’ve had enough.

When you find yourself in those heated moments, your mind and your body are asking for self-regulation - that space to breathe - so you can come back to your loved ones with the capacity to engage, care and love. Your self-awareness plays a significant part in this process of self-regulation. What does happen in the moment when you feel angry or want to shut down? What is your body trying to tell you?

When the answer is known, you might want to share that with your partner to repair the space between you two. But before you get an answer, I’d invite you to find ‘the tools’ that help you self-regulate, for instance, listening to music, breathwork, jogging, the gym, walking, building Lego or drawing - whatever makes you feel relaxed. It makes such a difference when you return to your window of tolerance.

Your fingers feel a boost of energy while you’re unlocking your front door. Your dog jumps straight onto the couch because that long walk has done a good job for both of you. You reach for your partner’s hand and apologise because your explosion an hour ago wasn’t fair. Life gets tough at times; however, you have ‘the tools’ to manage it.

Warmly,
Gintare
DipCouns. PGCERT in Relationship Counselling, MBACP (Accred)

02/11/2026