I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.

I wanna feel what love is. I know you can show me, oh.

(Song Lyrics by Foreigner, 1984)

What would you be left with if you removed human connection from your life? An empty space… A huge void wanting to grab you at your feet and drag you into this dark, hollow space. That must’ve felt lonely and scary. Frankly, you don’t want that - loneliness is a dark, terrifying place. So, you make strategic moves, running the script you want to deliver to your partner over and over again in your mind. Hold on – stop - you might want to rethink this.

In your head: "What if I told her I’m tired and don’t want to go meet her friends tonight? She will snap, she might cry. Crap, I must go although I’m crying inside because I’m so exhausted," or "Shall I tell him how I feel, shall I not? Aw, I don’t know what to do. I can sense he is angry - is he? Ooh, I don’t know." Do I, do I not; shall I, shall I not?

Relationship anxiety is in full swing, locked arm in arm with perfectionism. Perfectionism hints cruel, exhausting rules: "I should stay quiet, I have to keep the peace, I have to do everything right to make this work, I cannot put a single foot wrong." It tells you that if you just manage every variable, swallow your own needs and perform well enough, you will finally feel safe. But perfectionism is an impossible trap. It demands that you earn your right to be loved through hyper-vigilance, turning every intimate interaction into a high-stakes exam you are terrified of failing.

I went to Bath recently - one of the most romantic cities in the UK. Couples holding hands, hugging and laughing in each other's arms; stag-dos and hen-dos; families pausing to take photos and enjoy the views - all those people giving each other love and connection without conscious realisation. There was a natural flow of connection, calm and love. No rushing - just staying present with a loved one.

I was standing on the amazing Pulteney Bridge, soaking in the sounds of the river and the seagulls. A couple of men, smartly dressed in suits, holding beautiful ladies in their arms, were laughing at the entrance of the hotel. They all seemed very charming. That moment, a thought jumped in my head: it doesn’t matter if you are a CEO, manager, salesperson, teacher, Tesco worker, street cleaner, student, gardener or business owner - relationship anxiety can easily pull your strings. Your career choice, your salary or your impressive position in life doesn’t give you an exemption card.

Indeed, we are all equal in our physiological and emotional needs. After taking your suit off, slipping off your red high heels, closing your laptop or locking your cleaning cupboard, you might feel that familiar, shaking feeling in your stomach and a tight tension in your muscles. Why? Because the underlying thought of being alone, unchosen or unloved is too heavy and frightening to bear.

And what do you do to save yourself? You perform. You thoroughly calculate your moves, filter your words and walk on eggshells in your relationship just to keep the peace. It buys you temporary relief but it's a fragile peace built on hiding. And then come those breaking moments when you say to yourself - I can’t continue this way, I just can’t… Exhaustion is real.

Relationship anxiety drains you because managing a performance takes a massive physical toll, and perfectionism ensures you never feel safe enough to rest. But you don't have to stay stuck in that loop.

We individually grow and heal our wounds in connection with other human beings. Yes, you read it correctly - healing happens in a safe human connection. This could be your partner, your brother, your sister or a trusted friend - the people who know how to create safety. If they don’t know how yet, they can learn. You can learn to create safety for yourself and others while staying genuinely connected, finally letting go of the need to be perfect.

The first thing important to learn is communication through openness and curiosity, starting with softening your own harsh self-talk. You can feel safe again and reclaim a real, breathing relationship. You can be one of those couples walking through the world with a calm, steady heart - holding hands, sharing quiet laughter and belonging completely without the need to perform. Because disconnection causes pain, but connection allows you to be loved. I can help you achieve this.

Warmly,
Gintare
DipCouns. PGCERT in Relationship Counselling, MBACP (Accred)

09/08/2026