I’m scared. I don’t trust. I scan for red flags constantly.
These are the words that echo off the walls of my therapy office. Relationship anxiety is a heavy, pervasive weight. How many times have you sat in the quiet of your own mind, questioning whether the person is truly "the one"?
Anxiety plays a vital, protective role here - it is an over-reactive internal security system trying to shield you from the sting of potential rejection. But knowing that logically doesn’t stop the haunting question: “What if love doesn’t exist?” That fear stems from a history of being hurt too many times. Your heart has broken into a million pieces so often that those old wounds feel agonisingly alive, pulsing with the memory of every past disappointment.
I remember being fourteen years old, with a poem about love taped to my bedroom door. I read it almost daily for four years. There was something deeply calm and safe about those words; they painted a vision of love as a protector, a fortress of trust - a real home for my anxious soul. When love finally arrived in my own life, it hurt me time and time again, yet it simultaneously offered moments of pure, unfiltered joy.
It is a paradox, isn't it? But perhaps that is the nature of the human experience. There are always two polarities, and in navigating love’s immense highs and devastating lows, I have grown as an individual. I have learned that the struggle is not a sign of failure, but proof of our capacity to heal.
Understanding the Architecture of Hurt
We must remember: there are unhealthy, harmful behaviours, but that does not inherently make people "bad." Behaviours like yelling, withdrawing, criticising, shaming or using the silent treatment do not stem from a place of malice; they emerge from deep-seated pain. They are often footprints of childhood trauma or defensive mechanisms adopted during difficult life events.
These behaviours are frequently inherited, modelled by the caregivers who raised us. Have you ever caught yourself mirroring a parent in your own relationship? Perhaps you storm out of a room just like your father did when he was angry, or you find yourself criticising your partner with the exact phrasing your mother used to use: “It’s your fault! You’re useless.”
While your story is uniquely your own, these patterns often replay in our romantic lives until we consciously decide to interrupt them. We examine these histories not to assign blame to those who raised us, but to reclaim our own agency, allowing us to choose a different path in the present.
Can We Change the Narrative?
It is absolutely possible to build a healthy, loving relationship, even if your past suggests otherwise. Healing isn’t about being "fixed"; it is about learning new, healthier skills.
This doesn't mean having perfect, calm conversations all the time. It means learning how to say, "I’m feeling scared right now," instead of shutting down or lashing out. It’s about practicing assertive communication, establishing boundaries and developing a rich emotional vocabulary to express your needs while holding space for your partner’s.
What I observe as the primary catalyst for conflict is miscommunication. When couples deploy strategies like stonewalling or criticism, they are failing to send the most important message: “I am with you.” These reactions act as walls that prevent the formation of emotional safety.
All humans hold an innate need for connection, belonging, safety and love. Even those who claim, “I don’t need this,” are often utilising denial as a protective strategy to mask their fear of vulnerability.
If you were able to systematically dismantle those protective blocks to access the love you deserve, what would your relationship look like? Love may not always be the fairy tale we imagine at fourteen, but it is a practice - a skill we build, brick by brick, to create the safety we were once denied.
Take the Next Step
I love the love. I believe in its capacity to transform us, provided we are willing to do the work. If you find yourself stuck in these patterns, you don't have to decode them alone. My door is open for a conversation.
If you are ready to stop scanning for danger and start building a foundation of trust, I invite you to book a consultation. Let’s begin that journey together.
Warmly,
Gintare
DipCouns. PGCERT in Relationship Counselling, MBACP
19/06/2026